Someone asks, "Is a husband in authority over a wife, like the government is in authority over its citizens? Does (then) Romans 13 apply to marriage (especially one that is abusive)?"
As the congregation I help shepherd has been thinking its way through Paul's letter to the Roman Christians, we dug into the 13th chapter recently. By God's Spirit, Paul urges these new believers to "be subject to" the governing authorities, because they derive their authority from God. The authority of human government is granted by God in order to "commend those who do well and punish those who do evil."
Quickly, an intuitive question arises: When, if ever, should God's children not obey the authority (or laws) of any given human government under which they may live?
The ANSWER is supported by Scripture, both in command and in example -- If the state requires what God forbids, or prohibits what God directs, then God's children can (and indeed must) disobey the state in order to be obedient to God. (cf. www.amesefc.org 5/11/14 teaching on Romans 13, Pastor David Staff).
SUBJECTION IN MARRIAGE
Not surprisingly, the questions of the first paragraph (above) come into focus as well. You can sense the thinking behind the question. "OK...if I can (and must) disobey the state when it uses its authority to require what God forbids or forbid what God requires...then what if my husband does the same? May I disobey him in such instances, and obey God?"
Actually, the question asked about an "abusive" marriage. So let's answer the two situations in order.
First, if a husband attempts to require that his spouse to do what God forbids, or to stop doing what God commands, what is the wife's righteous-living response? This is an important question, because Paul, in like manner to the tone of Romans 13, teaches in Ephesians 5:24 that "wives should be submit in everything to their husbands."
Notice, however, that the beginning of 5:24 says "Now as the church submits to Christ..." The church-response-model commended is how the church obediently responds to Christ. How -- entailing both "what" and "how much."
The WHAT? To be sure, Christ would never ask the church to do anything morally wrong or disobedient to God. Whatever Christ asks we do, it is surely that which is pleasing to God, and honoring to Him.
The HOW? "in everything" The extent of our obedience is to be unchecked, undiminished.
Yet on a human level, in human marriage, some Christians are not married to "Christ," or even to a Christ-like spouse. In such marriages, husbands often ask their wives to do things which God forbids, or not to do things God commands. I've known husbands who regularly ask their wives to lie for them, cheat on their taxes, treat children abusively, together engage in entertainment that is immoral, and the like. In such cases, the principle stated above again (in my judgment) applies - if the husband requires what God forbids, or forbids what God requires, the believing wife can (and indeed must) disobey.
ABUSIVE GOVERNMENT - ABUSIVE MARRIAGE: Are we still "subject to"?
It is more difficult to answer this question, because the word "abuse" or "abusive" does not have a comprehensively agreed upon definition. Depending on who is using these terms and what they mean to the user, an "abusive" marriage can have a vast range of meanings.
A government or a husband may feel "abusive" without requiring that the individual under the authority to do something disobedient to God. We may feel abused by excessive taxation, but that does not relieve us of the necessity to pay our taxes (like every other citizen). And, we may feel abused by our spouse's perpetual harsh words and unkindness, but that does not relieve the spouse of still being in subjection to her husband. Peter would say, "Wives, be submissive to your own husbands...[even] those who are disobedient to the Word" (1 Peter 3:1). "Win them to the Word without a word," Peter urges, "through the beauty of your godly behavior."
CLARITY AND GODLY PATIENCE
In these important, daily matters, we must be both clear and patient in the places God has us. Clear that when we "obey God rather than men" that the matter is crystal clear. Men in authority are asking us to disobey God; we cannot.
But when the matter of "obeying man or God" is not clear, we also must be patient in godliness even the our circumstance in life is uncomfortable. In such cases, God does not want us to be rebellious or contrarian. He likely wants to shape our own character into that which is more like His Son, who sometimes submitted to the authority of others though it was difficult. And, perhaps through our godly patient living, we are used by God to win those to Him who are presently disobedient to God's Word.
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